How Often You Should Aim to Have Sex with Your Partner

How Often You Should Aim to Have Sex with Your Partner

Is there a magic number?

PUBLISHED: APRIL 10, 2015  |  BY KORIN MILLER

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I have a habit that’s admittedly a little weird: I’m very aware of how often my husband Chris and I get busy. And by “aware,” I mean I totally keep track. I don’t mark it down in a calendar or anything, but I’m definitely on top of what went down when.

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It all started when I worked for a popular publication that was all about sex. As part of my job, I regularly talked to relationship experts who repeatedly stressed that frequent sex was a vital part of a healthy relationship—it makes couples feel connected and minimizes the odds that one of you will be tempted to cheat.

And my neurosis took off from there. If I suddenly realized we hadn’t done it as much as usual (because, you know, life), I’d work hard to make some magic happen ASAP. I’d send Chris loaded texts during the day or throw on something super obvious at night. It was totally contrived and actually kind of stressful—basically the exact opposite of what you would want to spark sexy time.

I’ve chilled out a little on how intense I am about it, but our number is still in the back of my head. And apparently I’m not the only one who keeps close tabs on their weekly "number." A poll of my married girlfriends found that we’re all a little obsessed with how much we have sex, some more than others.

"Oh, yeah, I definitely stress out about that,” says my friend Jessica. “I didn’t realize anyone else keeps track. That’s great!” But is it?

“Every couple is different,” she says. “Who are you trying to prove what to?”

Um, experts who say my relationship is screwed if I don’t have sex all the time? Myself? Kim Kardashian? I…actually don’t know.

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Irwin says it’s common for women to get a little stressed after reading or hearing about what other people are doing in bed, but it’s something that we should actively try to block out. “There is no ‘normal’ national average. Decide what is fulfilling for you,” she says.

Irwin’s advice makes perfect sense—in what world is planned sex ever fun? And so I’m on a mission to be less psycho aware of how frequently I’m getting down. It’s hard to just go cold turkey after having a bad habit for years, but I’m hoping one day I’ll make a full recovery.

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Korin Miller is a writer, SEO nerd, wife, and mom to a little two-year-old dude named Miles. Korin has worked for The Washington Post,New York Daily News, and Cosmopolitan, where she learned more than anyone ever should about sex. She has an unhealthy addiction to gifs.